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Five Comedians Who Would Survive The Apocalypse
Zach Galifianakis – This is a comedian who can play in any room or any space, whether it be a major theatre, comedy club, high school gym, or wasteland. His experience with all the alt rooms will help him do well in the bunkers where high-tech nerds have managed to burrow for survival.
Woody Allen – Here is a man who has managed to get funding for his movies through at least three major global recessions, and who has remained funny and relevant for nearly sixty years. I doubt a little thing like the end of the world will slow his creative output. Plus, his witty and urbane takes on human relationships will appeal to the robot overlords, all of whom will have grown tired of big budget special effects movies (remember that the special effects were created by computer slave labor).
Joan Rivers – After coming back from career setbacks as massive as hers, Joan Rivers will view the apocalypse as an excellent opportunity to crack wise at people’s wardrobes (She’ll get an hour of material on how Jennifer Lopez’s dress looks terrible when it’s on fire). Not to mention the fact that the plastic surgery will protect her from the radioactive fallout.
Louis CK – He will struggle at first, because the sudden global loss of human life and general sense of hopelessness will make Louis CK the happiest person on earth—but as he is an expert comedic artist, I foresee him finding a new dimension of misery, as the onslaught of zombies will give him ample opportunity to come up with a bunch of really good dead baby jokes.
Eddie Izzard – Three of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse will find his dissection of the New Testament hysterical, while the forth will complain about not getting all the references. Not only will Eddie make audiences of orphans and mutants laugh, he will also enter political life, becoming the post-apocalyptic world’s first King who wears the Queen’s crown jewels (and he will wear them BETTER than any of the royalty before him).
HONORABLE MENTION: George Carlin, who, after coming back from the dead as a zombie, will be the first undead comedian to break into the mainstream with the seven words you can’t say to Jesus bit.
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