News

Published on April 24th, 2013 | by Brian Moreno

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News the Way Your Mother Likes It

• God Bless to all those in Boston but it takes more than two Yakov Smirnoff liking terrorist to stop a city where you are taught to say “Fuck Off” before you are taught to dress properly.

• Early on Friday Reese Witherspoon pulled out the always powerful, “Don’t you know who I am?” card while her latest husband was getting arrested for a DUI in Atlanta, she also told the officer who ended up busting her, “You’re about to find out who I am.” Coincidently those are the exact threats that caused Ryan Phillippe and Jake Gyllenhaal to say, “This isn’t working…”

• Vietnamese police say they have seized 53 king cobras from a car in Hanoi and arrested the driver who was paid under $50 to transport the snakes. The man was arrested when three consecutive valets were killed trying to park the 1992 Hyundai Sonata.

• It has been a delayed filled week in the skies. Last week the FAA said that all American Airline flights had been grounded at the carrier’s request as it tried to fix an outage with its reservation and booking tool. This week the FAA is being affected by furloughs, which part of the federal government’s sequestering $600 million from the FAA’s budget. The delays out of LAX are averaging 3 hours and 7 minutes. The delays are expected to subside once the FAA begins using the “Die Hard 2” Bruce Willis ground crew and landing techniques.

• Gold posted its biggest one-day percentage drop in 30 years last week as new signs of a global economic slowdown emerged along with fears of inflation. What this really means is, your local “Cash for Gold” establishment will be turning into the much more reputable PayDay Loan Check Cashing business.

• CNBC ranked the worst jobs in America and they listed Newsroom Reporter as the worst just ahead of Lumberjack and Actor. This seems a little unfair to Lumberjacks when you start thinking about CNN’s news coverage or any Tyler Perry movie.

• Hackers have compromised the main Twitter account of The Associated Press, sending out an erroneous tweet about an attack at the White House stating that Obama was injured in an explosion. Apparently that wasn’t enough for the hackers; they followed up with the classic comedic tweet of, “Missouri Loves Company.”

• Michael Miller (50) of South Carolina was arrested for wearing a shirt at a park that read “I May Not Be Mr. Right but I’ll Fuck You Till He Shows Up,” Which is also the title of a song from a 1990’s Catholic Priest rock band.

About the Author

Brian Moreno is a writer, comedian and actor in LA. Brian has appeared on the shows “Antique Roadshow” and '”Deadliest Catch - Lake Michigan Edition”.

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