This Week in News – Feb 22nd

  • The Oscars have come and gone. The telecast lacked excitement with the highlight for most men coming later that evening during their solo mission with an imaginary Jennifer Lawrence. The only thing more predictable than this year’s Academy Awards is that I will make one more masturbation reference before the end of this column.
  • On Tuesday, 18-year-old Miss Delaware Teen USA Melissa King resigned after a porno she stared in surfaced. Her crown maybe gone but porn giant YouPorn.com is offering her $250,000 to promote their site and making her the first ever “Miss YouPorn”.  This is not only the biggest publicity for Delaware since the constitution was ratified; it gives 90% of those on Megan’s list something legal to Google.  
  • Singer Bobby Brown is headed to jail next month to serve a 55-day sentence for his second drunken driving conviction in a year. During the sentencing the judge suggested that next time Bobby sleep it off in a full bathtub.
  • Apparently NFL teams aren’t buying Manti Te’o’s declaration that he’s not gay. After the fake girlfriend hoax exploded in January, Katie Couric asked Te’o if he was gay and the former Notre Dame linebacker nervously responded: ”No, far from it, far from it.”  To clear this up, multiple undisclosed NFL teams asked Te’o, “If the sport of football did not exist:  would you prefer to be on an intermural wrestling team or be John Travolta’s masseuse?”
  • On Saturday, the “Twilight” team finally has earned some love from the Razzies.”The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2″ was picked as last year’s worst film.  Oddly enough this was the film series of choice in Jack Kevorkian’s patient waiting room.
  • Lindsay Lohan may have been drinking just before she crashed her Porsche last June on Pacific Coast Highway. However, the state is offering her a brand new plea deal that does NOT involve jail because prosecutors agree prison will only prolong her life.
  • Stone Temple Pilots front man Scott Weiland has been fired from the group he co-wrote songs for, founded and fronted. This qualifies Weiland for unemployment since he was under the impression the band broke up in 1995. Weiland’s camp put out feelers to see if Oasis, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones  or Nirvana were still hiring.
  • Bad news for NBC: The network has fallen to fifth place in the Nielsen TV ratings during the important February sweeps period. The Peacock network started the TV season off strong with hits like “Revolution” and “The Voice” winning the November sweeps.  However, in the February sweeps period, NBC has averaged a 1.2 rating in the key 18-49 advertising demographic, while Univision has brought in a 1.5 rating…. Basically this means, you and all your friends are more likely to watch Univision’s hit cooking show Delicioso” over anything on NBC.
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is a writer, comedian and actor in LA. Brian has appeared on the shows “Antique Roadshow” and '”Deadliest Catch - Lake Michigan Edition”.

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